How to (accidentally) win a bullet tournament

Yesterday I sacrificed two spotless goats to Thibault while burning myrrh resin and solemnly chanting the "Domino Latrunculorum." Well, today I logged into lichess to play a daily bullet tournament and couldn't believe my fortune.

I threw in some of Aphex Twin's un-copyrighted Soundcloud tunes to make all of this palatable, as it does get a bit boring halfway through (if still ridiculous)

Highlights:
@14:17 I could see the first tremors of a terrible dawn. Something special will happen. My sacrifices weren't in vain.

@34:25 The Chess Lord hath blessed me! Gifts rain on me like a handpicked heir.

@56:50 The consummation: 1st place!

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